Secrets and lies

Secrets and lies, they grow upon each other, even after years, lifetimes and even generations, the curse of incest held all in it’s lair. The wretched truth was something she believed mothers and grand-mothers must had known all along. Accomplices to this unspeakable crime, they were afraid of acknowledging the truth for it would make them part of the sin, the rape of their daughter’s innocense. Brought bluntly to their attention, shocked they would deny and turn away choosing only to protect the thin veil of dignity they used to cover their shame for the lack of bravery they had in their youth to confront their aggressors and put and end to the abusive cycle.

Be sure your sins will find you out. And what about the moments when he was alone? Was it self-righteousness or shame that led him to stare blankly into nothingness and wonder why he lingered here? For 20 years past his desire to depart he hovered between a living and passing on. Was he just reaping what he sowed? He never showed me any signs of regret or repentance. There were not death bed confessions, tears of remorse, just blank stares or steely glares. His wide-eyed quavering gaze had a fearful feel to it, as if he was about to blurt out, “You know my deep secret. You will be the one who brings down my gingerbread house of self righteousness.
Sympathetic visitors were bluntly confronted with the request to help him end his suffering. Their pity and well wishes meant nothing if they would not help him die. It was never about anyone else, not even his hardworking spouse of 60 some odd years. She had labored to please him, enduring countless indignities at his hand and now she has nothing left, not even her mind, only a frozen sardonic expression of shock and defiance.
Back to the secret, it, of course was the sexual abuse I endured at my father, grand-father and even uncles hands. But the lies were more hurtful. The primary one being that women must choose. They cannot embody strength and beauty, feminine grace and wisdom. They must either be desirable or smart, not both. I chose smart, not realizing that before I had a chance to choose beauty chose me.